"You need balls to produce semen"...

Oakland A's outfielder and purported blue chip free agent this next off-season Matt Holliday has all of one homer since August 20th, including spring training...judging by the empty seats in the first half hour of the game, clearly a 7:30pm weeknight home start is too early for the Toronto FC faithful. How have they not figured that out at MLSE? Wait - I think I just answered my own question. Nonetheless, TFC dropped a 1-0 loss on previously undefeated Chivas USA in very impressive fashion. Frankly, the score flattered the visitors. Asked about the game, TFC manager John Carver thanked the PTP for dropping the hex on Chivas...Manchester United jumped three points clear of Liverpool and Chelsea after a 2-0 win over Portsmouth, and still have a game in hand. Start putting the red ribbons on the EPL trophy, it is about over...a team in Brazil's top soccer league is giving its players Viagara when they play at altitude to improve their circulation. Maybe Viagara would've cured Jay Cutler's thinking this offseason while still with Denver?...with the departure of host Richard Garner, the sports talk landscape has lost the fantasic Drive This! at Hardcore Sports Radio but the amazing duo of Cam Stewart and Gabe Morency now have a show called Morency. Said Gabe on the subject of the Montreal Canadiens: "I don't understand how any of the Montreal Canadiens have kids because you need balls to produce semen." In response, the Habs went out and meekly took their sweep last night. Nice of Carey Price to mockingly raise his arms at the end as the boos rained down. It'll be an interesting off season in Habsland with new ownership, potentially a new GM, a new coach and ten players free agents...the New York Rangers - despite Sean Avery's attempts to let the Washington Caps back in it - are now up 3-1 and looking likely to advance...RM reader JG passed on this hilarious modification of team logos, inspired by the Detroit Lions new logo. I really want to see the Cleveland Browns adopt a fiercer shade of orange...David Beckham's next European stop sounds like it could be in North London with Tottenham Hotspur...Washington Natinal - yes, that was intentional, this was not - Elijah Dukes was fined for being a few minutes late to a team meeting after appearing at a Little League event. Way to go, Nats, that's why you are who and where you are...word is Roger Clemens had a dozen apartments around the U.S. for various girlfriends to occupy. Wonder if he misremembers that happening with Debbie Clemens no doubt raging?...back with your PTP later, have a great Thursday.

Cutting bait

So if Matt Cassel costs a second round draft picks, how is Jay Cutler and a fifth round draft pick worth Kyle Orton and a pair of first rounders, plus a third from the Chicago Bears? And here I thought Denver was in a tough spot with the trade demands and need to trade so obvious...Michael Kay of the Yankee Network on Derek Jeter batting leading off: "That's 162 at bats that Jeter won't hit into a double play." Ouch. The bloom is falling off the rose more everyday when guys like Kay are cracking like that...Peter Gammons lists the three best teams in baseball as the New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox and Tampa Bay Rays. The AL East is going to be scary if that holds true...that eerie silence you hear in the Toronto area is the calm before the storm that is going to hit BMO Field tomorrow when Toronto FC make their 2009 home debut. Cannot. Freaking. Wait. Coverage is on CBC at 4pm for those not able to get in or further away...North Carolina guard Ty Lawson is already a winner at the Final Four, winning $250 at a Detroit casino last night. The rest of his teammates were down about the same in Windsor area peeler joints. I'm only guessing on the latter. Also in that article is the lame revelation that Caesar's in Windsor is suspending wagering on the Final Four this weekend at the request of the NCAA...the normally mild mannered Cito Gaston went off over revelations that Roger Clemens had a hand in having him fired, calling him an asshole among other things. Sure he may have had a hand in Gaston's dismissal, but Clemens performance in Toronto is the only thing that made keeping him a possibility...in Germany's World Cup qualifier Wednesday, striker Lukas Podolski got into it with captain and all-round douche-bag and perennial second place man Michael Ballack. There's video below of how that went. Of course, the German camp says all is fine...the New York Yankees will open their new palace tonight against the Chicago Cubs. You can watch here at 7:05 tonight, and check out pics of this incredible new building here, and video here, and finally, panorama shots here...what do the LA Lakers, Boston Celtics and Washington Wizards have in common? They're the only teams to beat the Cleveland Cavs twice this season...some curious jersey's here. Including the obligatory clowns with #69, you get a Carolina Hurricanes jersey with a Hartford Whalers logo. Hid. E. Ous...the English Premier League is back in action tomorrow after the international break. Will Manchester United take the defibrilators to their title chances and down Aston Villa Sunday? Should be a great one...back with your PTP later.

Germany's Lukas Podolski does what everyone in the world wants to do to Michael Ballack...

Happy St. Patrick's Day

The U.S. entry in the World Baseball Classic is suffering from enough injuries that manager Davey Johnson is talking about possibly forfeiting if they run out of bodies. Hey, if you can't beat 'em, quit...speaking of notable injuries, the Philadelphia Phillies are finding out that while winning the World Series is tough, defending it is even tougher as pitching stud Cole Hamels is suffering from the dreaded mysterious arm issues. 3,400 Club, anyone?...one of the best songs of the 80's - Bon Jovi's "Wanted: Dead or Alive" - done by Jon Bon Jovi with Charlie Weis and Bill Belichick on background vocals? You can't make this stuff up...if you're thinking you will lose your NCAA pool this year - and I haven't a clue why people refer to it as a "bracket" only - here's a list of the likely winners that will take you down...continuing his whining, Jay Cutler skipped the first Denver Broncos meeting..."The Rock" Dwayne Johnson admits using steroids in the past. A wrestler and football player. So, of course, it will barely register in the public. But a baseball player does it and get out the crucifix...it may be barely a handful of games, but the reviews of Sean Avery thus far - 4 goals in 6 games and a decidedly improved New York Rangers squad - have been glowingly positive...a rare bit of trivia from RM: what brother duo has the most goals combined in NHL history? Your answer tomorrow, if not later today if one of you nails it...Dallas Cowboys cornerback Terrance Newman admits in an interview that he believe Tony Romo's relationship with Jessica Simpson has affected his performance. Of course, because it wasn't Terrell Owens commenting, it barely gets noticed...I don't believe everything SI.com's Peter King says, but when he says he believes that the NFL owners will lock out players in 2011, that gets my attention...what do you get when you're Travis Henry, former NFLer, and have 9 kids with 9 women? An obligation to pay $170k a year in support. Shame that "former" bit is going to make that tough sledding...creepy vid of some guy named Kayvon stalking Derek Jeter in Toronto at the WBC...the PTP has me convinced I'm perhaps the streakiest gambler ever...have a great Wednesday.

Austin 3-16

LaDanian Tomlinson is now talking of breaking Emmitt Smith's all-time rushing record. He needs 6,600 yards or so to do so. Any takers that he gets it done? Didn't think so...does anybody think that getting a tattoo of yourself is a good idea? Apparentely New York Yankee pitcher AJ Burnett thoughts so, as he's got ink of himself...that physical specimen that is Phil Mickelson - he's not dubbed "Hefty" for nothing - needed to be treated for heat exhaustion after Saturday's round at Doral in Miami. Didn't matter much, as he went on to win the tourney regardless...unless you've been living under a rock or are moving under one, expect much discussion of the NCAA March Madness that starts Thursday. Frankly, even as a guy who doesn't pay much mind to NCAA hoops, it is a fantastic thing to take in, especially the first two rounds where it is wall-to-wall action with drama left and right. Need your brackets? Here they be...here's a look at the Top 10 Dirtiest Athletes. Hines Ward? Don't think so..after seeing the result of the Manchester United/Liverpool game - a 4-1 win for 'pool - I was pretty glad to not have TV for the weekend. Took some grief from a couple guys out on Saturday night while wearing a Man U jacket but it is almost worth it just to see that much soccer talk out on the town, even from guys who wouldn't know Liverpool from Blackpool...NHL General Manager's have talked about using wins in regulation as a tiebreaker. Here's an idea: three points for regulation wins, if you're really looking to encourage teams to go on the offensive in the first 60 minutes...another wrestler - Andrew Martin aka "Test" - has died at far too young an age, 33. No word on the cause of death but hard not to think it was anything but natural causes. 33 year olds that are outwardly fit don't just die suddenly...talked to a guy yesterday who is becoming a bigger fan of the EPL and said he's particularly fond of Arsenal and Tottenham, thanks to his love of Croatian soccer players. Arsenal and Tottenham? He must also be a fan of the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox, the Toronto Maple Leafs and Montreal Canadiens by that measure...it is 3/16 and Stephen F. Austin is in the NCAA tourney. How fitting...so after whining that the Denver Broncos were thinking of trading him, quarterback Jay Cutler has now asked for a trade. How fitting. This guy has some serious delusions of grandeur, a lot more accomplished players than him have been moved and complained far less, but he's going to whine? Good luck to whatever team gets him. Hope Pampers size 6 are available...back with your PTP later today.

Sour Grapes

Washington Nationals GM Jim Bowden resigned over the signing bonus skimming arrangement that saw some in the club take huge chunks of bonuses paid to signees from the Dominican Republic. With the U.S. government investigating, that might be the least of his problems. For his part, Bowden made the Cincinnati Reds worse in his days there, and took over a .500 team their first year after moving from Montreal and turned them into a joke...speaking of the Expos, did not know that among the banners hung from the rafters at the Bell Centre is one saluting the Expos time in Montreal and a few of their players...it may be just over the Ontario border but Quebec is a far better place for a sporting event. As I walked up to grab a beer, I noted no sign for a limit. So I asked how many I could get and the answer was "you're the boss, as many as you want." You could also still get beer in the third period. Amazing...I'm contemplating taking up a collection to close the mere $1.5 million gap between the LA Dodgers and Manny Ramirez so it can be over and done with. Four months of this talk is too much when neither have better options...SI.com's Don Banks says Ray Lewis is the big loser of the first weekend of NFL free agency, having talked of interest in the Dallas Cowboys and New York Jets. Problem is neither have made any moves his way and now the Ravens have him at their mercy. Sounds a lot like Manny Ramirez plight, no?...Manchester United took their second title of the season, adding the Carling Cup to their World Club Championship in January. Still to come: the EPL title, looking a virtual certainty with a soon-to-be 10 point lead assuming they beat Newcastle United Wednesday, plus the FA Cup and Champions League...Don Cherry is anti-Alexander Ovechkin, and Ovechkin gave Cherry the best reply you give an old curmudgeon like that: he treated him as irrelevant. Good for Ovi...the Denver Broncos may move QB Jay Cutler, and Cutler is livid about it and refusing to meet with the team to discuss the matter. So if you're scoring at home, he's sour about the idea of leaving, and making it impossible to stay...the Detroit Red Wings have one fighting major in three months. Yeah, fighting is "part of the game" so they must really be suffering in the standings. Or not. They have eight fights all year, 13 lower than the second lowest team in Washington. Since 2005, they have 50 fights. The Anaheim Ducks have 66 this year...you bet two women you can have sex with both for 12 hours. They bet you can't. You pop a few Viagara to enhance your performance. You make it past 12 hours. Then, you die...back later with your PTP.

Wednesday, December 24th, 2008

What the hell is up with Brian Baldinger's finger?...incredibly, 67% of NBA players polled by Sports Illustrated picked the LA Lakers to win the championship. That's an overwhelming number. If the media had a vote, Chuck Swirsky would've voted for the Chicago Bulls...New York Yankees GM Brian Cashman is mastering the free agency game, dropping a big opening bid on CC Sabathia to flatten the market, and going under the radar on Mark Teixera and shocking everyone at the 11th hour. Heading into a new stadium and having $90 million come off the books could not have been better timed...oh, Stephen A. Smith still thinks the Yankees should sign Manny Ramirez...the Arizona Cardinals are the first team since the 1961 Oakland Raiders to trail by 28 or more at the half in consecutive weeks. They're one team that has something to show in Week 17, even when they really don't...two guys the NFL should mic on Sunday; San Diego Chargers QB Phillip Rivers and the Denver Broncos QB Jay Cutler. These two can't stand each other, and no doubt there will be some big talk on Sunday night...the Toronto Maple Leafs were drilled 8-2 by the Dallas Stars last night. The Stars have won three of four since dumping Sean Avery...come to find out there is an offence in the Toronto Blue Jays: a sex offence. A choreographer of one of the Jays dance troupes got busy with a 15-year old and - wait for it - taped the affair...I hate Notre Dame, their coach and their fans, but am super thankful they're one half of a Bowl game on an otherwise empty sports calendar tonight. They face Hawaii in the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl. And where is Bukkake Bowl Picks?..Dallas Maverick Dirk Nowitzki is talking of taking a paycut to help land one of the big free agents in 2010, the same time he is a free agent. Hey, isn't Chris Bosh from Dallas?...all the best to you and yours this Christmas Eve, and yes, back tomorrow!